oh, the guilt. and chaos.

I used to brag about my inability to feel guilty. Man, those were the days.

I feel it growing in me, dark and twisted. I can feel it spreading.

It messes with my head, it makes me act stupid. Stupider.

I can't even look at him. Hug him.

I jump every time he kisses me.

And it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. Really.

But he's being so very good to me. So, so good.

It's just chaotic. And, let's face it, slutty.

But it sort off makes me happy. Momentarily, but really happy.

A hug, a kiss, a touch, a smile. A smart comment. A nice thought.

And there's something about both of them. I just fall.

And then there's the more extended chaos.

The dreaming. Oh, the dreaming.

escena conyugal.

- Les voy a decir que cuando ellos se estaban tomando el bondi para ir al laburo, yo estaba teniendo sexo.
Me reí mientras lo miraba irse a bañar. Le preparé dos sandwiches de salame y queso, y se fue.
Yo encontré mi remera, me la puse y estuve toda empillamada. Era tan cómoda. Me acosté en su cama de dos plazas ahora toda para mi.
Todo era perfecto, excepto por el dolor de panza y la culpa.

girl has a thing for artists.

A former anarchist I just had to have, and got to trust me.

A soul musician who was the smartest and sweetest and.

An art lover who turned into the most amazing of men.

A simple guy with a lot more to him than what meet the eye.

An unbelievably talented artist who became my best friend.

A charming performer who dazzled me with his words.

I know how to choose my man.

"The guy who gave me my first kiss and haven't seen since and now has a band with my ex"

"My dad's girlfriend's daughter's ex boyfriend"

I knew how to choose my man.

The little rich bitch's school former leader of the student council.

It would certainly make a nice addition.

Uhm, that guy. I bet that would be fun.

And then there's her..

yooh hoo.

What is it that keeps me from bursting out? From totally loosing it?

Is it fear? 'Cause I think it's fear. And I don't like that idea.

I mean I want to be this grown up person, I want to make sense.

But I'm so totally overwhelmingly bored out of my mind, I just don't know what to do.

Because I know I can't rely on people. Some of them can be fun sometimes,

some-times. But not often and certainly not when I need it.

I somewhat choose people who are going to bail on me, not because they don't care

but because they won't even notice they're doing something wrong.

I choose the disappearing kind. God knows why.

So I am left with.. me. And this me doesn't amuse me.

I need change. I need new. I need shiny, loud and hallucinogenic.

Beware, the beast is back and I'm in no mood to tame it.

to live in wonderland.

to share a weekend with him. to feel at home at his home.

to fall asleep and wake up together.

to get kicked out of bed by the evil, evil sun.

to have great sex. a lot of great sex.

to go out to town, to smile a lot, to hold his hand.

to allow myself to feel. to know he's a wonderful man.

to finally feel loved.

to watch bad airplanes movies. a lot of bad airplane movies.

to eat whatever we found lying around.

to get over little petty fights.

to be very aware of the big fragile bubble we made around us.

and to not care at all.

to go back to the real world, in which he's not.

and not to crumble.

to be able to see the difference.

to know he's there. and he's, most of all, my friend.

to get a break from the overwhelming loneliness.

and go back a little better, for a little while.

that was my birthday gift.

just what I wanted.

§

I'm lonely. I'm sad. I don't like it.
I want more. I want more. I want more.
I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling good.
I want more. I want more. I want more.